Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Swimming along...

Do I strike you as the splashy sort? <grin> Let's explore.

I'm not sure who I am. I've let myself be defined by all these labels all my life, willingly and without need of any screeching I'm going to conquer the world, penis envying feminist who makes men eye me suspiciously when I approach a door.

(er, did I mention sooner rather than later?)

Ah, well, it's as good a place as any to start defining me. Who I am as it regards being a female of (muffled sounds) years living in the western world. Married, with children. Twice.

I like being treated with respect, and yes, even some deference to the fact that I'm female. (and old but yeah, 'nother post) I like a door being held open for me. Not only because I'm female but because I believe in courtesy and manners. I've been known, much to the chagrin of my children, to hold a door open for someone, and if they haven't acknowledged my gesture with either a nod, smile or thank you to holler after them, "you're welcome!" So that's one checkmark. I'm mannerly and I like to be treated in a mannerly fashion.

I don't need some feminist screeching about my rights and how they are being contravened by some imagined slight. Maybe this is my rose colored glasses act again, but frankly I think that fight has been fought.

've watched friends turn themselves into nervous wrecks and basket cases trying to be SUPERMOM. It sucks. We aren't. Guys aren't SUPERDAD. They don't get twisted about having a career and being why should we. We work, we make do. Kids will survive without 3 hundred activities a year. They don't need to be in every sport, every club, every brownie troop/cub pack. I think that sets them up for all sorts of failure and psychosis later in life. They as children, are expected to be soccer players, gymnists, swimmers, basketball players and all around scholars. Hell for starters you got 4 different muscle training session there to excell just at the sports. Guess they are supposed to study on the treadmill hmmm? And recreation? Bah, we don't need no stinking recreation..we got organized activities, scheduled the nth degree.

Oh, in that whole definition thing....scattered thoughts has a pretty good position in the pack, y'know.

So next checkmark, NOT a SuperMom feminist who can conquer the world with a spatula in one hand, and a day planner in the other.. Check... Next...

Nope, sorry not done after all. When I was a kid and even now as an adult who enjoys RPGaming, I loved the feel of Just Say... just say you're my hero, and poof the other kid was. My littlest one #5 as we affectionately will call her in deference to privacy issues and such, is excellent at just say. I am by turns through out the day, the mother of a lion, a rabbit, a dog fairly regularly. It makes me use my brain when I say, "Ok time for little girls to be dressed." "I not a little girl, I a rabbit." So how do I tell a rabbit to put on clothes? HMM? Got any suggestions? be continued, but I guess you'd gathered that...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Diving In...

I've always considered myself reasonably intelligent, and not just for a female either. By the way, in no way is that to be construed as an admittance of male intelligence superiority or any other sort, but that said, I AM NOT A FEMINIST. Frankly feminists annoy the hell out of me. Believe me that's a whole 'nother post and will definitely hit this page eventually, likely sooner than later.

Now back to the issue at hand. About reasonable intelligence. Seems a pretty simple, straight forward phrase, no? Reasonable, as in not beyond expectation, desire or out of reach, and intelligence, something we as humans are supposed to possess. The ability to reason... reason...reasonable... hmmm...

Not so much, y'know? I look around my life and see every sort of intelligence, from the complete and utter lack to that coloured by age, or maturity or at the hands of that age old teacher, experience. Even the brand shiney new sort that sets your teeth on edge, because they think they know -everything-. I think mine is reasonable. I've screwed up, sometimes even more than once in the same way but for the most part I learn from my mistakes. Sometimes. Eventually. Hmms and considers that for a moment... Let's just say that I'm becoming more and more aware of the fact that Karma has a sense of humour.

So about this reasonable intelligence thing; I think that despite some rather startling incidences of evidence to the contrary, I'm reasonably intelligent. I can reason. I can even do it, without blurring the lines with emotion. Sometimes I choose not to and appear quite, hippy-esque, ala rose colored glasses and love beads, but often that's a conscious choice on my part not a lack of ability to do so. I prefer the world I expect and anticipate to the one that I actually live in, but it does not blind me to the fact that the later is reality. So I let the parts that have to be real be so, and revamp the rest in my mind to suit myself.

I recognize that I can't control others, no matter how hard I wish for the ability to do so. All I can be is who I am. Only...

That's not always something easily defined. Who I am, I mean. On the surface, it's pretty easy to define myself by who I am to others, I'm a Mom, friend, spouse, lover, confidant, whipping boy, sound board, evil letter writer (long story), buddy, chum, playmate... and the list goes on and on. But who am I? Who am -I-? Who is inside me, and do they want to come out? Do they like being anonymous, or would they rather splash themselves all over the scenery and never be anonymous again.

Maybe not, but maybe...just sometimes... that'd be okay, y'know, just not on a permanent type basis.