Monday, October 31, 2016

My Mom is to Blame

Disclaimer:  This is my personal opinion. Also, this is mostly prompted by a blameshaming I just watched on Dr Phil.

It's My Mom's Fault!

There seems to be a consensus that everything that is wrong with (mostly) women today is directly or indirectly the fault of their mother.

If their mom didn't hit every mark on the June Cleaver checklist - that is the reason they are in counselling or therapy today. It's sad if the mom was working two jobs and the kids had to come home to an empty house; but it's too bad if child support wasn't coming in, and too bad that bills had to be paid - it's the mom's fault for not being there every day after school.

If their mom was so there so much that the term helicopter mom was invented to describe her - that's why they have the problems they do today.  So sad that their mom was at every game and cheering them on, maybe loudly and embarrassingly proudly - or possibly shouting suggestions from the stands - either or. Just terrible that their mom wanted to be a part of their lives and snooped and listened in on conversations and GASP talked to their friends. Oh my!! How terrible.

Things happened in their past, abuse by family members, physical, sexual or mental abuse etc - and their mom didn't adequately protect them at the time and now they blame their moms for it and DEMAND that their mom FIX IT NOW.

This is terrible and it's very sad and upsetting that things like this happened and that they had to deal with it alone or without family support.  Assuming however, that just because they think their mom MUST have known doesn't necessarily make it so.

And they seem to believe that by screaming in their mother's face today - that will fix it.  Like speaking louder to someone who's first language isn't yours will MAKE them understand. That doesn't work that well either.

They do not seem to get that back at that moment in time their moms were perhaps also in the midst of something; and this isn't necessarily a cop out.  Maybe their mom did see it but to their mom it looked like something else. Maybe it was relief to know that a family member was taking an interest in their child.  Maybe because they were unable to conceive of the idea happening they missed the warning signs. Warning signs I might add that were no where as well known or discussed in that time as they are today.

Many of these moms were in abusive, unhealthy relationships themselves. Many of these moms were floundering and unable to seek out help because there just wasn't as much of it nor was it as readily available as it is now. They were trapped and knew that leaving would taint them in a way that would label them as failures as women, wives and mothers.  Staying was, in some cases, safer for the mom and children as has since been seen to be true - so many women who are on the verge or just past leaving are murdered by their abusers.

Families closed ranks. Families were expected to work things out within the family and you did not air your 'dirty laundry'. Families may have known who was hitting whom but they didn't say because it wasn't their business.

In my own family it was just known that you did not go anywhere alone with one particular Uncle. I'm not saying that was right but the world was a far different place then than it is now.

People didn't automatically believe the victim. More often than not, the victim was forced to recount the incident in open court - to face their abuser because it was the right of the accused to be accused publicly by their victim - and the victim would be torn apart.  What they were wearing, their morals and values would be laid out and judged. If you want to see a terribly accurate portrayal - see the movie  The Accused with Jodie Foster about a public rape that actually happened and what that victim had to go through to even get the fact of the rape acknowledged.

(let's be honest, they don't automatically believe the victim these days either - there's a lot of shaming and blaming and finger pointing about what someone is wearing or not wearing, acting, behaving or generally look like that comes about to justify the situation and give the abuser the out of being basically a caveman/woman who can not control their impulses and it's the responsibility of the rest of the world to make sure they aren't tempted or led into behaviour beyond their control - which as we know is f'ing bullshit.)

There comes a time in one's life where the things that happened to you, happened and it's up to you how you allow those things affect you. If you need help to deal with them, that's really okay.

What's not okay is to blame your mother.

Friday, June 17, 2016

The real worst ever...

The Pulse nightclub shooting is on many people's minds these days. There a lot of talk about it on Facebook and I'm sure all the other obsessive social media sites.

I'm also sure that most people have seen the disclaimer type of posts about how this isn't the WORST EVER massacre or mass shooting and pictures of horrific events like Wounded Knee and the Watts Riots or the St Louis Riots and the list could go on and on. It's as though they would take away the sting of this horrific act by saying well hey, we've been through this before and look, survivors.

There's hours of time being spent debating on whether this was terrorism or not, and if it was, was it domestic terrorism or something else and meanwhile people died. Of course all these tv shows and talk shows have a gallery of the victims of the shooting, well the ones that died, because the true victims of the shooting are not JUST the people directly involved but all of their families, and friends and co workers and the people that they used to smile at on the commute to work and the people who never had a chance to meet them and will sadly, never know the joy of the friend ship or love they have missed out on.

The fact is that defining terrorism takes away from this point. Whatever it was, it was awful and shameful that more attention is being spent upon whether it was the *WORST EVER* or not. I kinda bet if you asked someone who was there if they cared whether it was called the worst ever, I doubt they'd want to go in for a do over to get the damned title.

Every second spent on whinging about whatabout this time or that time or wasn't this worse than that is time spent wasted when it could have been spent loving our fellow man (woman person whatever the hell you want to say in place of the word man) _see even there is a stupid waste of time_

So stop telling me that this event or that event was worse because all you're doing is avoiding the fact that people died and people who could have stopped it even happening didn't. Do we go on a witch hunt for those people though? The guy made it onto a watch list, but it seems he wasn't very well watched.

None of all that matters, sadly because what really needed to happen didn't and we can't go back in time.

But we can go forward, we can move ahead, not through to the other side leaving this behind us but through it, taking it with us, letting it colour our actions towards others a bit, or a lot.

I've never understood a parent who could turn their child away from the family home or table because of who they loved.  I just don't get it.  I bet that some of the people who died, died alongside the only family they felt they had in this world.  I bet that some of the survivors are now facing the fact that because they were there, in a Gay Club, that they longer have the family they had.

I also bet and would be very sad to win, though I know I would, that there's more than one parent out there wishing they'd not closed the door, hung up the phone or turned their back on their child who was there.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Observances on WoW gamers and the world in general.

So the part you're missing is that he was playing the game his way.

Who are you to tell him to do otherwise? Sure you can kick him. And find some other person to be low man on your totem pole, but really.. there's ways to do that without being an absolute creep about it. Like it or not, most of the people in random dungeons act one of three ways.

Either they are so consumed by their own greatness at a game, because you know, they levelled to 90 within the first week of the expansion and will be bored by the end of next month, having blown through the content by playing for hours daily.

This is A GAME, but they are so UP there, so high on their achievement that everyone else is beneath their notice or concern and really don't matter at all. This approaches what used to be the layman's definition of a sociopath. As well as gives rise to gamers being referred to as mouth breathing, socially inept basement dwelling, pee in a bottle cause they can't leave their computer long enough to use the bathroom let alone shower creeps. Just saying.

Or they are computer savvy, intelligent people who relish the challenges of an expansion and knowledgeable of the changes not only for their class but others, but are so fed up with the first group that they have become defensive and insular and just want to get through the dungeon already. They 'used' to offer advice and try to play the peacekeeper but have been attacked, slammed and generally treated like crap so often that they don't bother anymore. Just go, get it done, move on.

Or three, they are so scared they will mess up and be the lowest on the recount and get kicked after every fight that even if they do know what they are doing, they are too nervous awaiting the scathing or sometimes just down right abusive harassment of the first group that there's no way they could function normally or effectively.

I guess now that I think about it there's four, there's the person who just wants to have the fun of playing in a group of people. They might be moms, dads, doctors, lawyers, university students taking a break from studying or even 15 yo girls who think gaming is cool. But I'm willing to bet those are getting pretty scarce cause who wants to hang out in a crowd where the bullies are the kings.

All it takes is being nice, a concept that could very well be applied to any interaction be it at school, work or even at home in your own family.. Treat others as you wish to be treated. I really doubt anyone on WoW wants to be sworn at, told how inept they are and made to feel inferior for not being able to push a button as fast or in the correct (according to some) order that an elite is able to.

However I think that's beyond the scope of some people and too simple for others to accept as a solution, or maybe just too cool for the elites to understand. Being nice doesn't equate to being weak. Sometimes it's far more difficult to be nice in the face of something than it is to give in to the weakness of being a creep.