Monday, October 31, 2016

My Mom is to Blame

Disclaimer:  This is my personal opinion. Also, this is mostly prompted by a blameshaming I just watched on Dr Phil.

It's My Mom's Fault!

There seems to be a consensus that everything that is wrong with (mostly) women today is directly or indirectly the fault of their mother.

If their mom didn't hit every mark on the June Cleaver checklist - that is the reason they are in counselling or therapy today. It's sad if the mom was working two jobs and the kids had to come home to an empty house; but it's too bad if child support wasn't coming in, and too bad that bills had to be paid - it's the mom's fault for not being there every day after school.

If their mom was so there so much that the term helicopter mom was invented to describe her - that's why they have the problems they do today.  So sad that their mom was at every game and cheering them on, maybe loudly and embarrassingly proudly - or possibly shouting suggestions from the stands - either or. Just terrible that their mom wanted to be a part of their lives and snooped and listened in on conversations and GASP talked to their friends. Oh my!! How terrible.

Things happened in their past, abuse by family members, physical, sexual or mental abuse etc - and their mom didn't adequately protect them at the time and now they blame their moms for it and DEMAND that their mom FIX IT NOW.

This is terrible and it's very sad and upsetting that things like this happened and that they had to deal with it alone or without family support.  Assuming however, that just because they think their mom MUST have known doesn't necessarily make it so.

And they seem to believe that by screaming in their mother's face today - that will fix it.  Like speaking louder to someone who's first language isn't yours will MAKE them understand. That doesn't work that well either.

They do not seem to get that back at that moment in time their moms were perhaps also in the midst of something; and this isn't necessarily a cop out.  Maybe their mom did see it but to their mom it looked like something else. Maybe it was relief to know that a family member was taking an interest in their child.  Maybe because they were unable to conceive of the idea happening they missed the warning signs. Warning signs I might add that were no where as well known or discussed in that time as they are today.

Many of these moms were in abusive, unhealthy relationships themselves. Many of these moms were floundering and unable to seek out help because there just wasn't as much of it nor was it as readily available as it is now. They were trapped and knew that leaving would taint them in a way that would label them as failures as women, wives and mothers.  Staying was, in some cases, safer for the mom and children as has since been seen to be true - so many women who are on the verge or just past leaving are murdered by their abusers.

Families closed ranks. Families were expected to work things out within the family and you did not air your 'dirty laundry'. Families may have known who was hitting whom but they didn't say because it wasn't their business.

In my own family it was just known that you did not go anywhere alone with one particular Uncle. I'm not saying that was right but the world was a far different place then than it is now.

People didn't automatically believe the victim. More often than not, the victim was forced to recount the incident in open court - to face their abuser because it was the right of the accused to be accused publicly by their victim - and the victim would be torn apart.  What they were wearing, their morals and values would be laid out and judged. If you want to see a terribly accurate portrayal - see the movie  The Accused with Jodie Foster about a public rape that actually happened and what that victim had to go through to even get the fact of the rape acknowledged.

(let's be honest, they don't automatically believe the victim these days either - there's a lot of shaming and blaming and finger pointing about what someone is wearing or not wearing, acting, behaving or generally look like that comes about to justify the situation and give the abuser the out of being basically a caveman/woman who can not control their impulses and it's the responsibility of the rest of the world to make sure they aren't tempted or led into behaviour beyond their control - which as we know is f'ing bullshit.)

There comes a time in one's life where the things that happened to you, happened and it's up to you how you allow those things affect you. If you need help to deal with them, that's really okay.

What's not okay is to blame your mother.