Why?

I see on *insert social site here* that my son's ex girlfriend/shackup/love/ whatever it was/is posted a picture of my grandson, her son. The son she and my son, her ex/shackup/love/whatever it was/is had together. The son she and my son no longer have.

I see that with that posting she's speaking of how much she misses them both. Her family, my son, my grandson, my son's son, her son and her man.

And all I can think to say to her is Why? Why then, did you not follow through with the treatment? Why did you do things that could hurt him while you were pregnant with him? Why did you when given all sorts of chances and offers of help both officially and from family and friends did you lie to us all, yourself included? Why were you both so damned smart you could put 'something' over on us. Why be such smart asses that you think you are cleverer, better, different. Why not admit you had a problem? Sure you both give it lip service. You both say all the 'right' things, but you didn't/wouldn't/couldn't do them.

I want to blame her, I want to blame my son, I want to blame them both. I want to blame me and his dad, I want to blame her mother and father, I want to blame everyone. I want to blame the system that let them lie, let them cheat on the tests and I believe set them up so that they both could do nothing at that point but fail... but really who lost in the end... that little boy.

Both of them will point fingers at me and say how horrible I am for posting this if they see it. They'll both find some horrible secret of mine to throw out there. And you know what... that little boy will still be gone. No matter how they and I toss aside the blame, how no one wants to think about it...

why why why didn't you think about it before... if you couldn't bring yourself to worry about losing him why did you have him... why damnit WHY...

Thinking about writing...

"He started for the kitchen to get a drink, and checked himself. Take a drink because you pity yourself, and then the drink pities you and has a drink, and then two good drinks get together and that calls for drinks all around." - Little Fuzzy 1962, by H. Beam Piper.

Today while wandering through blogland I was reminded of the above quote from Little Fuzzy by H. Beam Piper. When I first read this book some 25 years ago, I enjoyed the story for what it was but was also excited about the way it had come to my attention. The book store I frequented (read haunted) was run by a wonderful repository of background information and he'd suggested the story to me both for the great story as well as the background of the author. I'd recently taken an interest in some old Ace Doubles and Piper's space opera type of writing had an appeal all of its own. The author had not published the third book and the manuscript, long believed either destroyed or otherwise lost had recently been discovered in an old desk. A third book had been written by another author from Piper's notes, with the approval of his estate but here after more than one ending was Piper's.

It was an enjoyable experience, discovering his work and collecting it and now I get to do it all over again. Regardless...

That line had jumped out at me at the first reading and has been something I've thought about many times through the years, often quoting it to people during discussions of various topics.

I'd heard that Piper had not viewed himself as successful and certainly in terms of the genre there were more prolific and well-known writers; Asimov and the like. Writing isn't really about being successful. There's a lot said about the anguish of writing. Of putting that part of yourself out there laid bare for others to read that terrifies many a person into never letting their "scribbles" see the light of day.

I've likened the idea of submitting something to giving birth that once it was out of your hands it acquired a life of its own just like your children and would forever reflect back on you its success or failure.

Somehow, though, in all the talks I've had with fellow writers that doesn't stop one from needing to write. I've chucked everything, more than once sad to say, and scrambled to retrieve it once that passion of the moment had passed. I mourn the loss of ideas that I have been unable to write down because they've come to me while driving, or in those moments between awake and aware. I marvel at the idea that some books see the light of day, too but that's another post :).

But to get back to the quote...

To me, there's something so incredibly truthful and psychologically defining in it. Fanciful as it may seem I can imagine that being a nothing line that Piper wrote that he himself perhaps came back to, to reread and ponder over. I wonder if he suffered from depression, or perhaps even alcoholism when I read that and usually set down the book at that point to muse over the implications there, of how one justifies drinking, of being alone and seeking solace in a bottle, or turning to it rather than addressing the issues at hand lest they unsettle the tiny island of comfort such as it might not really be one that someone could have carved for themselves.

I think writers have to be, by nature, somewhat arrogant or at the least impressed with themselves, if only within their own minds. There are times when something one writes is so ... perfect and profound that you can get lost in it, reading it over and over. I think that the good writers get over that, or learn to cope with it, cause there's a real danger spot there. Not accepting that it could be bettered by a change of word, rewriting of a phrase and the flipside of that, where you edit till your eyes bleed and it's still not perfect... those are the barriers to writing successfully as many would define writing.

That justification of one drink needing the company of another holds true for so many things and not just terrible life destroying vices but good things as well. Joy is never so wonderful as when truly shared with another. A laugh that takes you to your knees, sets your eyes to streaming and steals your breath is only ever better by another joining in on the same level.

Sharing... that's what writing is about. Sharing your ideas, making them larger than they are by giving them to others and having them reflected back to you. People say that writing is a lonely process and good writing only comes from anguish and much gnashing of teeth. I beg to differ. I don't believe that one has to wring every word from their psyche to make it good. I believe that writing can be joyful and happy and exciting and love the idea a published author I once knew put in my head when asked for a synopsis. She'd replied "Well how the hell do I know what happens in the story? I write them to find out the ending..."

Now seeking a writing partner...any takers?

Refound

Fascinated, you bet...
Friday 10.29.04 [4:51 pm]

Well to most that know me this won't come as too much of a shock. I'm facintated by men. Now that doesn't mean that I have a Chippendale's calendar hanging in my bedroom (my crafts room actually) or that I oogle guys as they walk down the street.

It does mean that that other species that masquerades as the other half of my own fascinates me.

I offer these Rules of Manhood as an example of why...(note at a guess given the language involved these came from a British or perhaps a European site...a tip: MATE = friend I was given no reference for where this comes from, so if you know, I'd appreciate the info to give a nod to the author (not to miss mentioning copyright details as well).

(Italics mine)

Rules of Manhood

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Okay, this one I'll let go... not to sure how I feel about two women sharing one either, unless they are lifelong friends or family.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. I'd like to see someone NOT cry then. (said somewhat indignantly)

b. The moment Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry (or both) starts unbuttoning her blouse. Ahem

c. After wrecking your boss' car. Girls get to do this when they wreck anyone's car, see how fair we are?

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". I've never actually seen this movie, so can't comment.

e. When she is using her teeth meh, and just lets it go.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to boys night out may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known another man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. Seems to me that defeats the purpose of having brothers with friends.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friends fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. Alright fine, but does it have to bleed over to forgetting your girl's birthday too?

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. Men have also invented cars that go too damn far on one tank of gas as well...I'm sensing a conspiracy here...

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. Just... ICKS

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. And yet, invite a guy to watch an all girls mud wrestling match...

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or the double switch) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. Yeah, like we -want- to sit in front of the tv hollering and slapping each other's asses every holiday ... There's shopping to be done, thank you very much. *SNORT* I also sounded convincing there didn't I? it was the shopping part right?

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. You know, I can't really argue with this one, call me oldfashioned... well sort of, I guess it depends how suggestively dressed she is, and for what purpose...

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both thats just mean.

19: If you compliment a man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. GIGGLES

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. *EYE ROLL* What the hell do they do if they need extra tissue?

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. Is that why they're so damned concerned with how long they were going for...

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. No comment, okay just one... PIG

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. EVIL EYE

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. Orange, snicker...

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. Here's a tip, boys, think diamonds and gold and ring fingers...cause that's what we bloody well mean you dorks.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Mens Gymnastics. Ever. Heh, well for the most part I tend to agree with that, who wants them around then anyways...

Now, first of all, why do they need a written set of rules? Don't they realize that under any given set of circumstances there are any number of responses to all of these situations? I mean really... women just make things up and given some of the creativity I've seen from a guy or two, at squirming, I'd think they'd be just as capable of just making it up as they go along.

Second, are there truly MEN police out there, checking to see if one guy talks to another in the john? Who gets -that- job? Who -wants- that job?

And that whole set of beer rules... only men would have rules about BEER.

So men will continue to fascinate me with their sport rituals and silly bathroom rules of behaviour. They also make me want to pick them apart to figure out what makes 'em tick... but then they get all broken and metrosexual when you get too deep into the whole feelings thing.

So guys, despite more than one joke about you, and your various types of behaviour... that makes me nearly pee my pants with laughter and glee; here's one gal who's pretty happy you guys are guys and she's a gal.

..and then?

Life has a way of making things...interesting.

I've been writing this post in my head for over a month now, starting it over and over, wondering just how to say it.

There really isn't much option, as no matter what, once said it's out there and that's that. Life has made a 90 degree turn on me and mine and that's all there is to it, and all this does is acknowledge it to the general public.

On April 7th, 2010 our house, with very nearly every material possession that I and my family owned, burned to the ground.

My two youngest daughters were home on spring break, I was at work and hubby was on the highway. An RCMP officer came to my work to inform me.

She started out by asking me to sit down, never a good sign. Reaching, she patted my arm and said "now everything is okay..." correcting herself to say, "well what I mean is, your daughters are okay but your house is gone, it's completely burned..."

I was pretty glad to be sitting down at that point.

I called hubby and demanded that he pull over; as he pointed out later, also never a good sign.

Old electrical wiring in a wall we discussed the Sunday before about removing in ongoing renovations of our older home were found to be the cause. Both girls were unhurt (physically) and most of our pets escaped the fire.

Our 14 yo had the presence of mind to shove her sister out the door and after a moment's pause thinking about trying to rescue her cat and kittens she followed her out the door, feeling like she abandoned a part of her family to the fire.

We lost everything. Years of photos (all dutifully backedup electronically onto cds but stored on site, and not in a fire proof safe... I wonder if anyone does think to store them offsite... probably, but I didn't...) boxes of momentos of family members past and activities and achievements, much electronic equipment, including computers, game consoles and video and sound; 30plus years of crafting stash, about 300 movies both vhs and dvd and the list goes on and on and on.

Anyone who has cleared out a house after a loved one lost knows what I'm talking about. The odd dishes from sets long broken or discarded, that holds the memories of birthday parties and smudgy little kid finger prints. All those memories that we still have but no longer have the tangible, tactile ability to access.

Oh yes, we're lucky. There is no question about that whatsoever. Lucky that over the years my own fear of fire has tormented me to drill the kids on getting out, leaving everything behind and just getting out. We're lucky they were awake and moving around as people lying down in the type of fire this was, seldom get up. The fire inspector told me that on average a fire in a home such as ours is inescapable past the 28 second mark. They moved fast, they saw and assessed and reacted positively in that time frame. HELL yes, we're lucky we were prepared.

Family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, local and national service clubs and complete strangers have been generous and kind and helpful. We're a small town community and the rallying around us was most heartening in a time where people often turn away from those in need.

Members of knitting lists I belong to have swamped me in wonderful gifts to assist me in refilling my stash. They get it that you don't have just one set of knitting needles or just one type of yarn at hand if you're the kind of knitter I am.

People have been fantastic about offering (and some have already done so) to purchase my daughters sets of the books they are mourning. Clothing has been coming by the bagful and our temporary rental house is almost completely furnished.

We are lucky.

And if everything around us has a sense of someone else's essense, well that's just the way it'll have to be for the time being. If nothing we reach for is familiar just yet and there is no comfort in the sensation of climbing between blankets that have molded to your contours for years we still have beds and bedding to sleep in.

We *are* lucky... it's hard sometimes to remember that, when we're mourning our losses.

So if I can give just one little piece of advice... if you're helping someone out after a catastrophic loss, either by fire or flood or the unexpected (or expected for that matter) loss of a loved one... please, don't tell them they are lucky... they know that... they get that... what they know and how they feel are likely really different things. So please, don't mention luck, okay?

... and even if you don't understand that a pet is an integral part of a family, don't tell someone that the loss of one isn't to be grieved as much as the loss of a human... they know that too... just try remembering that to them, family is family and feeling 'lucky' to be alive when a family member (of any sort) is not, isn't very comforting.

Next post... not so much whining, much more happiness as we move towards better days...

A Difference of Opinon

With all due respect to the designer of my current knitting project; I acknowledge her ability, her writing skills, the time and effort she put into conception, planning and presenting this pattern. Which by the way, I'm really enjoying seeing how it's coming out and all ....

But...

WHY?

Why do it ASSDFF all in pieces and fuss about sewing stuff together?

Why would you change the build concept halfway through the pattern. More to the point.

You had me knit the fronts and back all in one, with mock seams. Pretty awesome. Sleeves being separate I totally agree with as they are raglan and that's an annoying thing to try and figure out how to pick up and knit down to the wrists to be sure. For that matter I also find that the sleeves that are knitted down from the shoulder tend to stretch on me... so like I said, all for those separate sleeves.

I won't quibble with you over the hems and how you chose to present them. We did agree on the provisional cast on though I personally find it easier to reverse stockinette on smaller needles, one row of purl or picots even for a turning row then switching up to the body size and catching up the caston stitches for what I would have been satisfied as a satisfactory hem (if not exactly as yours was). Whoops, guess I did quibble a teensy bit there. However, I still did them your way and lived so it wasn't too bad after all. :)

So now I've got two sleeves, and one piece that is fronts and backs. Cool you say? All done but the making up, right?

Yeah, not so much. Now we get into the part where I am going to quibble. There's this really cool wavy ribbing edging on the pockets that works up to a nice shawl collar. A shawl collar and deep pockets were the two design features I was looking for when I chose this pattern.

My bad for not reading the whole thing all through. To be sure.

But it's my blog and I'm still going to quibble.

So we've got this body piece, and we've picked up the conditional cast on stitches and made our pocket fronts with our mock seams and hem. Now we get to adding the edging...

And herein lies the heart of my bitching.

Why are we knitting it separate? Why after so carefully having me knit two fronts and a back and pocket fronts for both sides all in once piece are we switching horses to make it, sew it mode?

Why aren't we attaching the edging like one would for a shawl by knitting it on? The pattern for the edging isn't that tough and you've been so great about incorporating in the selvedge stitches for sewing...why not just use them for attaching so that once done either side one could just reverse seam the back of the two collar sides and voila instantly done sweater.

This is minor for most, me included to be honest. And in no way am I questioning your ability or design, nor am I finding errata in the numbers. I just don't get the whole sewing it together annoyance.

Granted I'm the first to admit I'd rather 3 needle bind off shoulder seams than sew them (for strength and stability of course but also cause I can't abide sewing :) ) so the whole idea of sewing an entire facing and collar when it would be just as easily done to knit it on is bugging the heck outta me.

Is it fitting the shaping to the curved edges of the pocket? Don't think so, cause you are so line by line careful to address that shaping in the instructions for the edging and collar. Did you just want to pad the pattern to make it fit the space allocated for your pattern in the magazine? Did the editors of said magazine make this change for you? Always a possibility I realize, that what one submits for publication can be quite changed when finally publshed...

I'm still just left wondering why.

I suppose it might be unnecessary to say but I will be knitting the edging and collar on even though I'd promised myself that I would slavishly follow this one...this time.

Appears my best intentions are built upon sand.

Stay tuned... I'll let you know.