You gotta know how to celebrate the difference, is all I'm saying...

Without much hope of a change, despite the determinedly cheerful forecast by the poor guy on the weather channel last night; (I do believe that's one of the most thankless jobs around at times) I looked out the window this morning to a view of white with more falling from the sky. Did the weatherman not hear the date? I mean we changed to DST early and all for this? Oh sure it's beautiful, all pristine and still like that; the white flakes falling from the sky in silent splendour reminding me of the awesome implacability of Mother Nature. IN DECEMBER it's freakin' awesome.

We are now in April. 'nuff said.

'Move south' my american friends tell me. 'Come to God's Country' my relatives on the west coast and in the valley tell me. 'Come home' say the ones still living in Saskatchewan, adding 'at least you'll know what to expect', because when it's winter in Northern Saskatchewan it's WINTER and while it's brief, when it's summer time it truly, truly is.

Having grown up with seasons as distinct as that I have to say that as much as I bitch and complain along with everyone else I look forward to the seasons changing.

There's something about the scent of snow in the air in October that reminds me that all's right with the world and sends me into a Suzyhomemaker spiral that equates to a squirrel getting ready to hibernate. I bake, I cook, I organize my spice cupboard after much swearing because I can't find the nutmeg I bought last fall after running out and I go out and buy more. Somewhere in my house is a treasure trove of little orangeybrown tins of nutmeg. I pull out my wool for new winter wool socks and I revel in it anticipating the hours I'll spend watching the new seasons of various tv shows and knitting because it's too ugly to go out. And just when it's become very nearly unbearable to stay cooped up inside one more day, I catch a glimpse of a brave stem of grass poking through the muddy snow.

I know that spring will stir other, although similar, urges within me. My farmer father's genes run rampant and I have to fight the urge to rip up the soil and plant something, anything. Usually I manage to lay down and this urge goes away :)but sometimes I have to repot all my herbs and houseplants (the ones that survive in spite of me) and there's usually a new addition. Last year it was crocuses (crocusi?)in a lovely blue crockery pot and I'm rather curious to see if they will come back this year. I guess pulling the pot out of the storage shed and unwrapping it would help, hmm? After spring comes summer, days of lake time (if Miss gets a chance and life cooperates that is) and hot days. As little clothing as is legal or practical and corn on the cob grilled on the barbeque. But even that ideal fades as the summer winds to an end. A soft chill creeps into the morning air and takes longer to leave each day, and soon the dry scent of snow is in my nostrils and the cycle starts again.

Winter allows me to love summer, and summer allows me to love winter. I think that's why I firmly believe you can't know if you're happy unless you've experienced sadness, nor sad unless you've experienced happiness. Success is only truly embraced if you've experienced failure. Although I do believe that contentment is another matter, because it's a fine line between content and complacent with only a step or two to go from there to contempt. But that's another post.

I've learned that seasons change and nothing is forever, not even the idyllic 'hazy days of summer'; no matter what that phrase becomes a euphemism for. I know that life is a temporary state. It's also what you make of it. You can freeze your fingers and bitterly complain about the cold, walking around in clothing unsuitable to the climate, however no matter how much you complain the weather isn't going to change for you unless you move. Or you can bundle up and have a snowball fight, or make a snowman, knowing that even that emblem of fun will not last forever. It's all about how you choose to view the world.

Today, I'm choosing happy and let the snowflakes fall where they may.

Ain't no altruism, at all

Thank you all for the kinds words about getting our good friend Special K up and running again. It's heartening to receive all this attention but like the good lady said. It was absolutely and positively not an act of altruism. Damn it all, I was going into withdrawal.

Most of my daily reads (with the exception of Acidman ... and his are archived posts being put up by a friend in his memory) are becoming somewhat lax in their posting. And yes, I am well aware of the irony in someone who has posted a grand total of what? 5 times in the first quarter of 2007 complaining about the lack of posting by others, but they were daily posters when I started reading them and now they aren't. So, I stand by my whine. ;P. I was running out of new stuff to read. I dislike that. It makes me crabby and whiney and I really needed to know about (let's call him) Mark and the status thereof, and Petey and RaisinDoug and all the rest of the wonderful characters that populate her world.

So, when the simple fact of her not having a computer could be solved by my taking one of the ones we had donated and cleaned up for our own personal little 'make sure everyone who wants one has a computer' thing, voila, easily done.

But altruistic? Nope. Pure, unadulterated selfishness on my part. The woman makes me laugh, think, cry and muse over her random and sometimes scary posts :P. I like that in a person. Don't you all?

So again, thank you but come on, be honest, any of you would have done the same if you'd had the wherewithal, opportunity or what have you. Cause face it, you were all in freaking SK withdrawal too, weren't you?

For those who don't really read comments here's a list of the pimped urls that have accumulated:

www.acrossthelana.blogspot.com
www.thekaetlancaresnot.blogspot.com
http://www.sundrymourning.com/
www.izzlepfaff.com

Now I'm off on my daily roll through the blogs.

See you in the comments.

tru

stolen idea

Heh, isn't that what memes are all about? :P

Crystal over at Boobs has a pretty cool idea. She's asked her readership to pimp their blogs. She also had the *gasp* courage to turn off her word verification for the post. As she said in the comments, here come the penis ads LOL.

I'd like to invite you all to do something similar here. I'm not turning off the word verification however :) I'm not that brave.

I'd like you to instead of pimping your blog, put a link to your favourite read. Be it blog, newspaper, sarcastic news site, entertainment whore site whatever.

Some filler for a few laughs.

writer:

You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind. You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life. Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling. And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

How Leo are you:

You are 73% Leo

How Leo Are You?

Seduction style:

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

SNORT: Driver:

You Failed Your Driver's Test

You only got 5/10 correct. If you have a driver's license, it needs to be revoked!

Are You a Good Driver?

mythical creature:

You Are a Mermaid

You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are. While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need. Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational. You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

I miss my car.

It took me a while to get back to the fun of driving. I'd gotten used to it being more of a tool than a possession, more of a needed thing than an identity. I even got to a point where I poked fun at those who did have an identity because of, or sometimes in spite of, their car.

I learned to drive in a toyota corolla in the midseventies. Rather I learned to love to drive in that car. I'd been driving tractors (badly, we won't mention the JD up the tree just now) a chevy truck of my father's with three on the tree that hated me, a fact I'm still convinced of some 30 years later, but when Sam let me take the wheel of that little brown toyota I fell in love with driving. I had no fear. I spun that little car through sand dunes and over gravel, revelling in the sensation of skimming over the pavement, caught in the hum of the tires under the country sounds on the radio. Driving got to me.

I've been horse crazed my entire life, so it only stands to reason that I'd be nuts about Mustangs. Still, I teased and poked gentle fun at the II on my hubby's car. He'd done a bit of playing under the hood, though and when he finally let me drive it I got pretty fond of that car pretty fast too.

My love divided then, between the slick handling of the toyota I remembered and the sheer let's do it power of that little Mustang.

Then we got practical. We got an Aerostar. *sigh*. Still a standard though, so that was some relief. After that, it was a succession of cars for transportation. Economy and price were the deciding factors.

Finally the Tempo pretty much died. I found a Supra at a decent price, getting it from the young fellow who needed to sell one of his two cars before his dad did it for him for half his asking price.

And I fell in love all over again. Here was the perfect blend of my two previous loves. The handling I remembered together with the speed. It was bliss. Driving to school was a pleasure that offset the need to go somewhere as the Aerostar had not done.

It died last summer. I killed another one (not quite the same, being an automatic, read the Mountain Dew post if you want to know how) and now drive a Dodge Spirit.

Here's the bumper sticker that the blog thing says should be on my Supra:

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Anything worth taking seriously - is worth making fun of

What Bumper Sticker Should Be On Your Car?

Here's the one that I get for the Dodge Spirit:

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Squirrel - it's what's for supper

What Bumper Sticker Should Be On Your Car?

Le sigh...sort of says it all, doesn't it?

It was inevitable

I've been trying hard not to turn this blog into a mommy blog, or a knitting blog and reading back through my posts...well... I failed. So I might as well give in and write about knitting.

A while back I started reading (with great delight to find her blogging) The Yarn Harlot. Finding Steph posting on the net was like discovering an old friend. I used to read her on the KNITlist and often read her posts outloud to my family. That is when I could get the words out without falling outta my chair with laughter. Trust me, if anyone of you has ever read the skating while knitting adventure and didn't laugh then you just plain don't have any sense of humour what so all.

Her blog isn't quite as madcap as some of those posts used to be (I wonder if she's planned a book of those) but it's full of wonderful inciteful posts that will leave even the non knitter muggle thinking, I guarantee you that. She hardly needs more publicity :P I can barely get to her site some mornings over coffee because her non believer ISP has difficulty believing -that- many people want to read a knitting blog.

So in the interest of throwing up my hands and surrendering to one of my quiet passions here's a copy of a letter I recently wrote to Steph aka TheYarnHarlot.
Hey Steph,

Yet again I've read something in your blog that has inspired me.. gofigure :)

I tend to focus on the little throwaway stuff you toss in more so than the big check this out ones :) so a while back you mentioned acquiring Sea Silk. I promptly went to the link, checked it out and after a while (cause I tend to have wonderful intentions but a gold paved road) went back and found the link again and bought some.

I have to say, my initial take on it when my son picked it up for me (at the wool shop, in the city, where he had to go out of his way across town to get it for me...what a good boy he is...which would be said with a great deal less sarcasm if the daughter of the owner wasn't his age and a gorgeous doll that makes him nearly stammer when he talks to her LOL) was wow.. oh WOW it's even prettier than in the pictures. Yeah I know, it always is but I'm always surprised. Living life as an optimist has its perks :) .
Then I felt it. YUMMY. Smelt it..double YUMMY...

then... and then... oh the pain... I started to wind it on my ball winder.

Not so yummy.

It was a mess. It tangled and twisted and was generally a pain. Okay so it's me I decided and took up the other skein after fighting with the first one for two days. This time I told myself to besure to examine the skein ... find the right end and not try to wind from the middle out. That was what I was sure was the problem. Not so much.

Second skein same as the first. (will you forgive me if I say that sounding like Davey Jones? :))

I called the wool shop and whined and whimpered. They said they'd get in touch with handmaiden. A goodly time passed. Days, weeks even and I spent hours on the couch untangling the silk and ended up with about 6 balls where I had to break it.
This was intended to become a hairpin lace shawl so I wasn't too overly concerned with the breakage but the stuff that was too tangled that bothered me as I hate to not have enough. (hence my stash suitable for insulation of a bedroom according to hubby)

Long story short, by the time they got back to me I'd started and completed 3/4 of the lengths of lace so wasn't interested in their return the skeins and get new ones solution.

Even more cutting to the chase...

The shawl is nearly done, border to be crocheted on today.
And now after all that longwinded moaning, my question... any ideas on how much I can block this? And how to do so?

How has your seasilk experience been? I'd like to do more with it...not totally turned off it from the winding but definitely will be fortified with various libations to the knitting gods before I attempt another winding.

tRu

FYI the shawl was recieved with much gimmeegimmeegimmee of the recipient. Promptly put on and cuddled. Made its debut on a cruise and was pronounced perfect. So a happy ending nonetheless.

In the Just when you thought it was safe department

I've only recently (ie in the last year or so) become a prisoner of my cellphone. Sure I had one years ago. We had one of the radio phones that was like a suitcase that you carried with you and believe me we had some elaborate charging system for that 10 mins of usage at a time. *GRIN*. Then we had the Motorola 650 which is one of the toughest phones we've ever seen. Hubby actually ran over ours with a semi, not once but two or three times. On pavement and on gravel. he'd get out of the truck to do his bihourly brake and load check and take the phone with him to call home. Inevitably he'd set it on the back tire to thump his tires and occasionally he forgot it there. After retrieving it for the third time it became a family joke that we needed to invest in Motorola and that he oughta get a job in their R&D department for destructibility.

I progressed and picked up a V100. ( http://mobile.softpedia.com/phones/Motorola/Motorola-V100.shtml ) A cute little laptop wannabe in opaque blue plastic. It was intended I believe mostly for use as a handsfree and had a convenient little beltclip and nifty headset thingie. When you opened it up it had a tiny little keyboard but it was cute, and I got it for cheap ($50 I think) too bad that the cellphone service provider I used wasn't so cheap on the text messages.

After a while of not having one personally but hubby using the MIKE phone sytem (yet again Motorola go figure..that whole stock option thing I guess) and being able to talk to him when he was on the highway, all over the states and Canada we started looking for cellphones that worked for us.

Eventually we decided upon the Solo system. ( www.solomobility.ca ) Solely for the 10-4 capability. So we joined the current decade as my snarky children like to point out, and bought Sanyo 2300 phones. I tricked mine out with a MyTego tigerskin (www.mytego.com) and away we went. Soon we picked up one for the 10 yo, because it's handy for riding. The horses are all used to the phones ringing and talking and when you're collecting cattle in the foothills it's great to not have to shout around the bushes and over the hill.

But now... this is going a bit too far... http://electronics.howstuffworks.com/ref/nfc-phone.htm?cid=rss1 I have enough trouble with lost/misplaced cellphones, debit/credit cards without combining the two.

Yikes.

The Tooth Fairy Cometh

My children were young when my marriage reached its end. After everything was said and done they ended up living with my ex husband. It wasn’t the way I wanted things to be, there were things that were worse and things that were better but we made the best of it. Weekends were spent with me, school holidays and summer holidays.

My ex was not the sort of man who believed that children should believe in fairies so while he bowed to convention regarding the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus he simply was not going to play the tooth fairy game. My eldest was the only one losing teeth at the time and I convinced her that since the Tooth Fairy was a lady that she would find her way to my house easier than to her dad’s and so she should save her fallen teeth to put under her pillow at my house.

All went along well in the tooth fairy department for a year or two. The eldest has brought her teeth to my house with unfailing regularity, and had convinced her younger sister to do the same. Number 2 daughter is a spirit unto herself however, and one day she decided to test mom’s theory about the tooth fairy. She announced that the next tooth she lost she wasn’t going to wait till the weekend visit, she was going to put that tooth under her pillow that very night.

I was blissfully unaware of the crisis my eldest faced that night until later. By now she knew that her sister was going to be disappointed as she’d secretly tried this very thing herself, only to find the tooth still there in the morning. So she waited till her sister was asleep and snuck into her room replacing the tooth with two shiny quarters from her own allowance.

She told me the story the next weekend and I tried hard not to cry. Nevermore than in that moment did the guilt and selfishness I’d felt about the divorce rise up to confront me. Nevermore than in that moment when I saw her innocence draining away. I rewarded her with a dollar for her kindness to her sister, hugged her and told her how proud I was of her. She went out to play and I sat and cried.

Believing in the tooth fairy was one of the childhood dreams that are so precious and I had let that be taken from her, I berated myself. I was immensely proud of her though and through my guilt I found a glimmer of hope that some of what I was teaching her was the reason she’d been so compassionate towards her sister.

A few weeks later, she hugged me good night and whispered in my ear. “Mommy, I lost a tooth today.” She showed me the tooth proudly. “Do you think the tooth fairy will come if I put it under my pillow?” Her face was earnest, eager for my answer and innocent of all sarcasm or guile.

“Yes, baby, I’m certain she will.”

That resonates

One of my favourite reads started back blogging a time ago and I'm glad. Sometimes she's funny, sometimes she's sad. And sometimes she makes me squirm in my own skin when she rales about things that make her nuts and I know that I do them.

Sometimes however, simply, she resonates.

Like this post, entitled "Goal" and it's simply a plaque type picture that says. "Love like you'll never get hurt."

How terribly honest.

How absolutely terrifying.

How immediately I rejected that idea. And I doubt that I'm alone.

yet...there's a nagging honesty there, something that made me stop, pause and look over my shoulder as I ran screaming from that proposal. Why shouldn't one? Why shouldn't someone go into a relationship without all those anxieties and nasty memories of how someone trod upon your heart?

But then all these other branches of thought open up. Do you really want to lead with your heart? Time and time again. Isn't it just asking for someone to step all over you if you don't learn from past mistakes? Isn't it a repetition of the cycle if you repeat and repeat and repeatedly take up with the wrong kinda guy? Or for that matter.

And yet, that honesty nagged and nagged. I've had many people prejudge me by the fact that I looked like, sounded like, thought like someone else. I've seen people not celebrate various holidays because this person or that person did this or that or the other thing on that holiday. I mean really, do we need to outlaw breaking up on Christmas? Sometimes though, people need to just get over stuff.

I've heard sad story after story about how someone let someone go, walked away because of past experiences and not wanting to revisit those feelings. And to tell the truth I've had a moment's pause here and there myself about people.

I wish that everyone coming into my life had the same open chance that others have had. That's just not the way of it though, and I'm sure I'm not alone. Each experience colours my ability to trust, love, believe the next time around.

I wish I could have that goal. In not just love, either. People deserve a chance to be who they are. Correction, I wish I could have that goal as an achievable goal.

What's your goal?

mountain dew, not just for drinking anymore...

So.. a few days ago I'm returning from an evening visit with my daughter (we went and saw a really dorky movie called You, Me & Dupree...normally I like owen wilson but meh...

I'm driving the sorta supra. It's a year newer than the old one (which we're still not talking about what happened to btw) but it's an automatic. It's still a fun enough car to drive and gets from point A to point B well enough but it's an 'automatic'. It's hard to explain but there's something about driving a standard. It's difficult to explain but there's a sense of being in control. It's like your brain goes to mush when you drive an automatic and you make silly decisions.

Anyway, i'm on my way home. Driving down the main thoroughfare and I see a sudden blurup of flame shoot up from the left side of the hood of the car, and then in my rear view mirror I see a flame shoot out from the car and a trail of sparks.

And yet, the car is still running. There's nothing odd about the sound of the engine and I'm not totally sure I didn't imagine it. I drive a bit further, and there it is again, a fillip of sparks behind me and still nothing indicating that anything is wrong. The car has not lost power, there's no more flames and before a chorus of facepalming and what the hell were you thinking starts, consider this. I was in traffic on a fairly busy road. Averaging 100 kmh. And it's not like any of the other drivers were in any way inclined to move the hell out of the way so I could pull over to the side of the road.

Oh, wait, there we go again, another flashing trail of sparks. Alright, it's time to find an exit. Off I get...still rolling at a regular speed, no hiccuping, no more flames. A quick phone call home on the cell and the concensus is, drive it as close to home as I can get it. It's cooked already is the thought.

Getting off the main road drops my speed to about 60 kmh. Now followed by an odd coloured plume of smoke I'm still moving with traffic and the car appears totally oblivious to any sort of issue. The smoke is not blue, indicating burning oil, nor is it a billowing cloud of white steam that would probably mean a blown head gasket. It's just smoke.

yeah yeah, I know... still no clue.

I am starting to feel uncomfortable and uneasy and all I want to do is get back onto the highway where I can keep up my speed. Miraculously I make every light but one at the very edge of the city and that seems to bode badly for the now starting to chug car. Then, the traffic is moving again and believe it or not, so is the car (and me).

But it's the beginning of the end. The dash has finally gotten a conversation going wth the various computerized controllers and is sending a flashdancing set of signals that are basically telling me to pull the hell over and get the hell outta the car. Apparently that was far too easy to do 20 minutes ago.

A few miles more, a hill or two and the gallant little car is coasting to a standstill at a conveniently located roadside set of selfweigh scales. I call home again and give my location.

Now this car is previously owned and some previous Special Person has had the incredibly annoying idea that removing the radio is as simple as snipping a few wires and yanking... causing a recurring short in the dash that as an interesting side effect requires the headlights to be turned off by unclipping an aligator clip from a wire under the dash. (And no, that was not the source of the yet to be declared problem) As I open the hood, in the dark, unlit area I've rolled to a halt I notice a glimmer of light. Curiosity certainly will kill the cat... I had to know what that flickering was so I walked around to the other side of the car and there we have it folks... a fire. Right there on the back underside of the engine on the passenger side.

I ducked into the car, grabbing my purse, cellphone, insurance and registration, a litre bottle of Mountain Dew with a few sips gone, and a camera case full of cameras and dashed to a safe distance. Setting this stuff down I flip open the cell phone and holler, "I'm on fire!!!"

"You're what now?" Hubby's distracted voice cuts through. "I'm trying to find ..." I'm not listening anymore.

"I mean the car's on fire, not me." Somehow I thought this was an important denotation to make. Now I'm back at curious and circling closer to the car, Mountain dew in hand...

Side note: On any given date or time, the back seat of my car holds anywhere from 3 to 10 half finished bottles of water. The girls are always grabbing a few bottles to take with us when we go to the horses and despite our constant nagging to the contrary, leaving them in the backseat unfinished. This time apparently, they decided to change things up and there were no bottles of anything in the back seat.

"I'm trying to put it out..."

"Let it burn..." I know he's thinking fire insurance, however I'm thinking ...my supra...

"Yeah..yeah... I'm putting it out ..." Splash! Sizzle...splash splash splash...sizzle sizzle sizzle..billow of smoke now scented with the unbelievable scent of hot burnt mountain dew.

Yuck!

So there I sat, for a little while, till hubby and son pulled up in son's chevy pickup. Which he repeatedly and annoying pointed out was running. and a chevy... meh...

Custom make a quiz...

... and receive lots of spam :) or maybe not

So far I'm not but...we'll see I guess.

Anyway... want to know what your friends really know about you? Your significant other? Set 1 to 10 questions about yourself or some other equally scintilatingly interesting topic and send the annoying link to all your friends. Thereby challenging them to admit to you how much or little they know about you. ;P

Here's the link to mine...see how you rate about knowing the unicorn (aka me).


http://www02.quizyourfriends.com/quizpage.php?quizname=060912201530-520122&

Hee... it suddenly occured to me that some people reading this might not even know that my pseudonym, long before the notion of an online nickname entered my mind, was UNICORN.

I've used it since I was 13, a very long time.

irish directions

The Quiet Man is the one movie that always makes my very changeable favourite 10 movies list. Not only is it a 'John Wayne' movie, it's also a 'John Ford' movie and a 'Maureen O'Hara' movie. An Oscar winning (for cinematography) 'classic' that almost never was. It is also one of the most visually beautiful movies I remember seeing.

The tone of the entire movie is set for me in the first 10 minutes of the film. John Wayne arrives in a small Irish town. He asks directions to the town of Innisfree of the conductor of the train. A simple enough scene, rather mundane in the way of starting a movie but the dialogue is unforgettable. I begin to smile as soon as the conductor and the engineer begin to fight about whether the fishing is best to the east or the west and the helpful lady with the daughter who'd be glad to show the nice man the way were she here always makes me laugh out loud at JW's reaction. But the sequence that sums up the entire movie for me and how it makes me smile and feel good is the one that goes something like this: "Do you see that road there?" JW nods eagerly, sensing an actual bit of useful information forthcoming, "Don't be taking that road, it'll take ye nowhere near Innisfree."

No matter what mood I'm in that line will draw me into a Brigadoon like state, where the world is suspended for an hour and a half and I live in a world where horse races can decide the fate of a relationship and the anger and animosity of a life long hatred for someone different from you can be turned off to share a wager on a fight.

It's an old story, a 'taming of the shrew' so to speak, love will conquer all and the like. The characters are caricatures of the Irish. The rowdy brother; the stand offish men in the pub until they discover JW's true connection to the place; the little Michaleen; all stand against time to how the Irish have been percieved and portrayed through the years. Remember the Irishman in Braveheart? A little off, talking to God all the time but a lovable character nonetheless. It's difficult (for me at least) to dislike someone with the lilt and charm of the Irish in their voice. So even the villians of movies end up being a little bit loveable.

Years ago I was calling about a groom position at a breeding farm. The lilting tones of an Irishman greeted me over the phone. We chatted for a bit about my qualifications and he invited me to drive over for a face to face interview. While giving me directions he uttered this sentence:

"Do you know the road that goes by McDonald's?"

"Yes," I quickly answered, pen at the ready to take down the directions.

"Don't be going on down that road, it won't bring you anywhere near here..."

My laughter was barely muffled and it was a longish pause before I was able to compose myself and get the correct directions from him.

Upon meeting this delightful man I began working for him and one day he was showing me his racing history, some of his souveniers from his years and years of participation, first as a jockey, then as a trainer and now as a breeder. In the corner, tucked away under a jacket lay an old beat up saddle. He saw me looking at it and explained that it was a souvenier from a movie he'd been an extra in years gone by as a boy in Ireland. The saddle had been used in a race in the movie.

My ears perked up, could it be? Sure enough, he'd been a young lad living in the town that became the fictional Innisfree in my favourite movie. He told me stories about Ward Bond and how the locals had been agog at the man's ability to consume alcohol and still function (no small praise coming from an Irishman), how attentive JW had been to his family and how Miss O'Hara was so beautiful she'd taken his breath away. Listening to his accented tones still strongly Irish after his many years in Canada, I was swept away.

Today, we were a little unsure of where we were. So we stopped to ask an older man, who was sitting on a chair in front of an antique shop, for directions. He stumbled to the car and clung to the door frame for balance. After listening to him tell us not to go that way as it won't take us where we wanted to go we drove off, my smile somewhat fixed as I tried to not breath in the alcohol fumes still hovering around the window.

Finally I turned to hubby and remarked, "trust me to find a drunken Irishman in the middle of nowhere to ask directions from..." He chuckled and nodded and said, "well at least he didn't tell us where the fishing was best."

The words of a child.

Today we took a drive south to visit Jack, #4's 'horse to be' once we get him all paid off. We've been working with him for quite some time and he's become a pet as much as a horse to ride.

It's been a while since we've been able to get there to work with him. Added to that, Jack is entering what amounts to the teenaged angst age group for horses and we weren't too sure of his reaction to being summarily hauled in from the pasture, saddled and ridden. Horses typically have ages where they respond (or don't as the case may be) to certain things amicably or not. Usually what you see as a 1 and 2 year old is what you'll eventually get but there's that ...deadfromtheneckup... time period around 3 to sometimes as old as 5 when they are just cantankerous and unwilling and unpredictable. You know, teenaged angst time.

Jack was a little flat eared and hunchy when hubby got on so we didn't push things. The girls wanted a ride so I led them around on him. I was hot and tired and a little crankily myself with one thing and another, and to tell the truth, trudging around the corral leading a reluctant horse was low on my list of things to do today. #4 enjoyed her ride even if she's a little jaded about being led, being accustomed to being allowed to ride him unaided. Then it was #5's turn.

She clambors up with a little assistance from my knee. She settles into the saddle and picks up the reins. Jack and I start out and her voice trills out, "Mommy when I ride a horse I feel like I'm flying."

"Do you?" I replied in a somewhat surprised tone. The words were clear and the sentiment one I identified with immediately.

"Yes, flying through the air, all by myself."

I couldn't help the smile and sense of wellbeing that rushed through me. I repeated her words to the hubby, adding that I sure could understand that sensation. It didn't really matter that it was hot then, or that I was cranky or grumpy about things external.

To ride a horse -is- like flying. It's something that can't be explained to someone who doesn't get it, whether they've ridden or not. It is something that can be shared in a glance and a sigh but not with words.

The first time I flew my girlfriend tried to prepare me for the take off. She said, "it's like galloping on a horse but instead of running out field, you simply lift up into the air..."

#5 can be a conundrum of emotions and odd behaviours at times. She's got some habits that can set your (well mine anyways) teeth on edge in an instant but that moment then...those are the moments that matter. There's something so brutally and beautifully honest about a 5 yo's enthusiasm and it gladdens my heart that she could tell me so very very clearly, both in the way she spoke and what she said that she understands.

I've often joked that the reason she's the youngest is because God has a sense of humour. At times like this, I see his other reasons too.

I know I've said it before, but as far as you run, you can never outrun your genes.

A few evenings back I was sitting happily watching (read playing Darkthrone) tv and the phone rang. It was my older sister. She lives "back home" in the province and relative area to where we grew up. She married a local boy as did our two older sisters also married locally as did our brother Not me...I moved to Calgary and married a man from England. I've since divorced him. But for the eldest (her husband has passed) they're all still with their highschool sweethearts.

Suffice to say I'm the black sheep. The odd duck and the 'what is that kid thinking' element of our family. Doesn't mean I'm not one of them at heart.

The conversation started out in a normal way, a bit of joshing and goodnatured self dreprecation about our age and weight.

Me: "Hey, how are you?"

Sis: "Old and wrinkled."

Me: (laughing), "well you should have stuck with the family plan of fat, that way the skin's stretched out and the wrinkles don't show."

Sis: (also laughing) "Yes well I've plenty of both to go around."

We exchanged family news, catching each other up on the respective grandkids and children. The talk turned as it often does to who died, who wasn't dead yet and who had already died but I'd forgotten when she'd told me. Now to be totally fair, we aren't totally obsessed with death but the community -is- dying. The young'ns are escaping and not returning and that's sad for people like my sister and myself frankly, even though I can't believe I'll ever live there again. Not only that but she works in a funeral home as part of the catering staff (the woman makes one hell of a pyrogy let me tell you :P and her cabbage rolls are to well..die for ... even if they are her mom-in-law's recipe) so she does tend to mark time by funerals.

Sis: Nick B. died.

Me: (totally shocked the man was still alive) "Uh...wasn't he like 938 years old"

Sis: (laughing) Not quite.

Me: Truthfully, I thought he died years ago.

Sis: No that was ...

And the conversation turned to who was related to whom, and how Nick B. wasn't who I thought he was (he was I just truly did think he'd died years ago I wasn't mixing him up with another old man :P but it's fun to chat about who's who with my sis so away we went).

Somewhere in this long standing conversation (only the people we talk about shift generations or sometimes families) it takes one of those leaps that only do when people know each other well enough to let happen and just run with it.

Sis: S... were you ever in an accident? (somewhat startled tone as it had just leaped back into her mind, and also being the reason she'd called me).

Me: (knowing full well that she meant there and in the time we'd been discussing, a time when I'd been a young teen fool and she'd worried about me more than my own mom did...not because she cared more but because she was closer to my generation and what sort of stupidity teens were capable of). "Yes. I mean no not back then, but here in Alberta yes..." (see as much as I like to play with her mind, there's some things I won't twist about with her)

Sis: Well D. P. (who by the way would have been about oh...3 years old when this particular accident did occur)said you were in the car with B when that happened.

Me: (having a semi tempertantrum flashing back on the reason I wasn't in the car with B. who up until about 2 weeks prior to that had been my first boyfriend) NO. That was some bimbo with bigger boobs than mine and thanks for reminding me of that shithead.
(all said in a tone that she would know to be jokingly)

Sis: Well D.P. said. (dog with a bone, that's our family. We get an idea in our heads and it sticks, right or wrong).

Me: (pointing out the age difference between D.P. and myself ...frankly he's a little suck :P and a tattletale) (oh and we always call him D.P. to differentiate between him and our brother D.) I think I'd remember being in that accident. (it had been one where truly the three in the car had been extremely lucky ... they'd crossed a highway in front of a semi carrying logs to the local mill. It's a blind curve and they had a stop sign but they were also young, stupid and who knows possibly a little drunk although I can't honestly remember if they were or not, or if any charges were laid.)

Sis: Well that's what I thought but D.P. said you'd dated him. (Time you see, is relative to our family's need to connect events. Yes, I had dated the boy in question for the entire school year prior to that summer. And yes I was rather bitter that two days after playing "I Wouldn't Want to Lose Your Love" (by April Wine) to me on the phone this boy had taken another girl to the April Wine concert and had never called me again. Sure it was 30 + years ago but some wounds are easily torn open it would appear.)

Me: Thanks for reminding me of that. (the devil? he's got nothing on sardonic remarks around us).

Sis: You're welcome. (see? Not only do we have sardonic down cold but we own stock in sarcasm as well.)

We're goofy now and giggly, sharing things as we never did when we were younger. The age difference between us negligible now that we are both grandmothers. We see the world through the same glasses now, bifocals that let us see both near and far of the situation and with a little bit more patience and a lot more ability to let things be, instead of youthfully trying to mold the happenings in our lives to what we wanted rather than what was to be.

When I was a young adult (in age, at least if not in brain) she'd seemed impossibly old to me. Stuck in her ways and unbending in her beliefs. We fought a lot then. She wanted to mother me, to replace somehow the mom I'd lost at 16. I didn't begin to understand her reasons, why she couldn't be my sister and stop trying to boss me around. How I wish I'd taken a moment to think and realize how old she'd been when her own mother had died and the woman who was to become mine became a part of her life. We'd fight nearly every time we'd talk on the phone but to her credit she didn't stop trying. When I walked away from the family for nearly 5 years she held onto hope that I would return, looking for me now and again and crying with relief when I finally called home, alone, divorced, without my kids she never chastised beyond why ever didn't you call?

We fought a lot. Our conversations never ending without one or the both of us in tears. She wanted so badly to help me with my life. I wanted so desperately to be accepted for the decisions I was making. Finally one day I realized, actually had what amounted to an epiphany :) that I didn't have to fight so hard to be accepted for them, I simply had to believe in them. I stopped defending them to her. When she'd challenge me on something I'd decided, I'd remark on the weather. And to her credit she took the hint. Our conversations became tolerable, then even pleasant. Now I look forward to enjoying a good yak with her about who died.

I guess this post could also have been entitled, "time heals all wounds" but really it's not just time. sometimes it's a remark about the weather that does it.

Resolutions...not just for New year's day.

In an attempt to post more often I'll be putting up the odd Q&A (well hopefully odd, unless my muse takes another sabatical or twelve).

Scooped this one from a blog I recently discovered from another blogger's blog list. (wow can you really use the word blog that many times in a sentence and maintain your sanity?)

Another blog q & a

10 years ago today I was: heavier, unemployed, in post partum depression and blissfully unaware of it.

5 years ago today I was: also heavier than I am today, heh, also unemployed and also in post partum depression only I and everyone around me was dreadfully aware of it.

1 year ago today I was: Still shaking after being robbed at gunpoint earlier in the month. I'd quit the job and was signing up for school.

Yesterday: I was drinking a slurpee (cranberry) that my manager at the bank decided everyone needed one of.

5 snacks I enjoy: mixed nuts, particularly brazil nuts, hazelnuts, cashews and almonds; raw carrots; crisp apples and old cheese; popcorn; fresh fruit.

5 songs I know by heart: Two Little Boys, Runaway (Del Shannon), I Cross My Heart, George Strait, Last Kiss, Don't Be Cruel (ELVIS), Can't Help Falling in Love (also ELVIS).

5 things I would do with $100 million dollars: Buy each of my 5 kids a house, set each of them up with trustfunds with ridiculous conditions and tell them "sink or swim I gave you a life jacket use it wisely". Buy land. Invest in a friend's business. Take a cruise. Have a blast doing little favours for people.

5 places I would run away to: The mountains. Up north somewhere. The deep south but I'd need a guide to keep from getting something squishy to eat or offending someone. Australia. Morocco.

5 things I would never wear: Thong bikini. nuff said.

5 favourite TV shows:CSI, American Justice, Big Brother, Passions (the soap opera)

5 favourite toys (actual you know, toys, that little kids play with not XXXTOYSXXX): Spirograph. That drawing tool where you could trace over a picture and draw it with the other end, larger or smaller. Yoyo. Slinky and building blocks, megablocks, lincolnlogs, leggo, erector sets, what ever I could stack and build shapes with. Oh does anyone remember little daisy shaped plastic bits? rather like the connector things?


5 *moments*: Settling into the saddle of a new horse, the little frisson that races up your spine. Taking off in a plane. The first time you make love with someone and realize it is really lovemaking and not just sex. That brief moment just before...well you know... When you know, in your heart, that what you're doing is the absolutely right thing to do at that particular moment.


Your turn.

Sometimes I need to listen to myself.

Recently I was talking with someone about their love life. I tend to be a bit of a snoop in that regard, I like to think it comes from being a writer, as to be a good writer one must be a voyeur of sorts. But on the flip side somewhere along the way certain people have found me easy to confide in and have even told me later that my listening and inevitable advice has been helpful.

Anyway, I found myself listening to a sad tale. My friend, and I wish I could say that both parties in this relationhip were my friends, but sadly that's not the case, is feeling somewhat frustrated with his significant other. I like them both. I enjoy both of them as people but only with one did I make *a connection*.

This is hard, as my immediate response is something that was said to me a long time ago by a friend of mine. "You're mine and he's not, and therefore regardless of the circumstances, you are always right and he's always wrong." She went on to add, "unless you're being a big fat idiot."

I listened and nodded and hugged and generally was a sounding board for my buddy to get out what he needed to get out. At the end of it I found these sage words leaving my lips: "...love isn't slavery, subservency or superiority. it's not two people coming together to make one. it's two whole entire people, coming together to make a sum far greater than two."

There's so many old saws that come to mind, 'if you love something set it free...', 'if you can't love yourself, no one else can...', and my favourite...'who wants to belong to a club that would let me into as a member?'

I've always said that people that need someone to *complete* them didn't understand the concept of a relationship. Only I wasn't listening. I was busy saying all the right things just not doing them. I was busy searching for someone to finish me, to add the edging and embellishes that I wanted or thought I needed to complete me.

What I needed was already inside me. I simply had to allow it to be enough. To be what -I- needed, rather than what others were telling me I needed. I don't need fringes and tassels and a fancy lace edging to make me special. I already am. If only I'd believe it.

I'm considering this an affirmation that I am enough. For me. Anyone else can figure out their own standards or levels of enough.

Turning the Other Cheek

You know how people turn the other cheek, swallow the insult that cuts to the very quick of their heart because well... nice people do just that. Parents do that. Friends do that. Sisters do that. Coworkers do that. I'm DONE doing that.

I no longer am a nice person. I no longer will let others' wishes, desires, needs, wants, gratification whathaveyou, come before my own. If I'm not important enough for the common courtesies of wishing happy birthday to, being concerned when I'm ill, accepting that my feelings are also hurt to someone then they can go find someone who is. If they were important to me and that's how they think then I was obviously mistaken about their importance to me.

And I'm going to recognise that fact a hell of a lot sooner now because I'm going to be examining EVERYTHING with a fine toothed comb from now on. Everyone will be suspect until they PROVE their worth to me. I'm not going to sit there and expect humanity from people. I'm not going to assume that because I simply would NOT treat someone else that way, that they won't treat me that way. Quite the opposite, in fact. I'm going to assume that they are going to do as dirty to me as they can and defend against it. I'm going to be a lonely miserable suspicious person but damn it I no long will sit there stunned into sobbing tears at the level of inconsideration with which I was treated. I'll be well prepared for it. And I'll do everything in my power to do it first because I'm DONE.

I'm not apologizing for my desires anymore. And you know what else? I'm done explaining just how very simple they are. Because they are; they are the lowest level of respect and consideration for another human being that can be expected. Obviously that's my problem right? Anything that comes that cheap in effort isn't worth it.

So what I need to become is a high maintenance bitch. A person whose ass simply begs to be kissed. I will expect diamonds, even though I hate those hard brittle gems. I won't look for the fire and life of an opal anymore. I want diamonds and gold because when I'm done with whoever gave them to me, I can sell them for money. From now on it's about ME.

I've been accused of being selfish before, man they got nothing. They want selfish? They'll see SELFISH.

Mel Gibson

heh... there was a time when I first got connected online when Mr. Gibson (long one of my favourite actors) couldn't make a public move without a network of MELFANs I belonged to sending the airwaves shimmering with the volume of their comments, tidbits of info and opinions.

BTW: if you're going to fill my comments with remarks about his recent remarks, drunken arrest or the like, piss off and read the post first.

It was the first email list I ever belonged to and one of the liveliest, while perhaps not in sheer numbers like the KnitList or eTatters it was one of the most enjoyable lists I've had the pleasure to participate in.

We talked about his pants size, his eyes, his kids, his movie role choices and how he portrayed his characters. We looked for motivation like the very best group of method actor wannabes ever, and we discussed the plot device of Rika (LW2) to death. We were all walks of life, many different religions were evident in the well wishes for the group from various members through the year. We ranged from judges to homemakers to professional extras and back to an ex girlfriend of his (from his teen years I believe) to industry insiders. We even (gasp) had male members of the list who simply admired the man's ability to be a man and or an actor.

The list disbanded just prior to the release of The Passion of the Christ and I believe it was a wise choice on Lisa's (listowner) part. Her reasons were personal, and had more to do with a change in her family dynamic (a teen was becoming quite well known in her chosen sport and time was becoming an issue) than any controversy that film was sure to stir up. We'd weathered more than one bout of *bad press* before that and probably would have come through this a more enlightened group as we had before.

You see the list wasn’t about MEL GIBSON = ENTITY and we weren’t seeing him as a EPITOME of how to live, be and think. We were a group of intelligent, articulate people, who chose to enjoy his abilities as an actor. Sure there were always people who when they disagreed with his choices talked about not watching him anymore. *shrugs*. That’s what free will and free enterprise and consumer’s choice is all about.

I didn’t even know he’d been arrested until the anti Semite hoopla started and my first response was sadness that the demon that he’s dealt with, hid from and fought with all these years had gotten another hold of him.  Then I started reading articles about it all. Man, everyone’s got an opinion hey? I read Mr. Gibson’s formal apology. I know that some will consider it lip service and an attempt to recoup his prestige. I don’t believe those people are correct. Sure, as a fan, I don’t want them to be either, but I really think that despite it being very formal and very well prepared it was an honest apology.

One thing I feel a need to comment on is this: Rob Schneider is simply capitalizing on the press being generated with his “I’ll never work with Gibson” crap ad in Variety. Who cares frankly? And I say that as someone who’s enjoyed both actors in separate films. I had and have NO DESIRE what so ever to ever see the two of them in the same film. So there, Robbie m’boy…smoke that in your publicity stealing pipe and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. Getting a little bit antsy after the shitshow that Duece Bigalow European trash turned out to be? Need to jump on anyone’s bandwagon you can’t don’t you? You little shit piece of trash, before you say you’d never work with him you ought to wait to be asked. However, even though the above opinion is pretty strong, I’ll probably have a laugh at one or two of his movies again sometime. But I digress…

Back to Mel.

I can’t forgive him. 1. I’m not Jewish. 2. He didn’t make the remarks to me. 3. Even the person who is Jewish that he did make the remarks to can’t forgive him, truly. The only person who can forgive these actions is Mel himself and I doubt that’s something that’s going to happen anytime soon. People ought to heed their own teachings before they go out making remarks like the above noted, y’know. To err is human, to forgive is divine. I rather think that there’s relatively few that remember that when they’re out there ready to put up billboards. This is turning into a ‘oh look, the high and mighty is toppling, quick throw on a grappling hook and rip him apart’ or maybe just to their level hmmm?

Maybe I’m naïve, maybe I’ve got a Pollyanna people are truly good and life is all good view on the world, heh…maybe I’m selfish and just don’t want to believe that he’s a bad person because then I have to go around defending my admiration of his work.

See that’s where people get confused IMNSHO. The work is not the man. Who he is when he’s with his friends, his family and in his personal life is none of my business. And yes, there’s a line where someone’s personal beliefs shouldn’t be allowed to make them money especially where those beliefs are against the norm or mores of society but there’s far worse *people* out there making money off silly bullshit or off the norm scale remarks. And, I might add, although it’s not intended as a defence of Mel, without the aid of befuddling substances such as alcohol.

Certainly if a celebrity or person of note is found guilty of heinous act he should be accorded the same punishment as an ordinary person but we all know that’s something we as a society don’t allow. We vilify our heroes for stepping the slightest bit out of our preconceived pigeonholes for them. We don’t allow them to have faults; we don’t allow them to be anything other than what we’ve created them to be in our minds. Or what their PR person has created. (Think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt here  or Madonna or a few dozen other ‘don’t have a clue what this is about but my PR person told me to smile and nod so like a bobble headed Chihuahua so I will’ celebs.)

Mel has a problem. One he’s fought and managed and dealt with for many years and likely will do so for the rest of his life.

I’ll still watch his performances. I’ll still count him as one of my favourite actors and certain scenes (not the hottub scene in Tequila Sunrise you dirty minded person you lol) will still take my breath away.

The names of our lives...

Special K has an interesting post about titles. It go me thinking about how what we are taught (indoctrinated) as children affects our ability to address others by or without titles.

In my family 'auntie' is a very important title. Through a set of circumstances that precluded them spending much time with each other during their growing up time, my older set of kids did not automatically give this title to my female siblings. The title was, however, accorded to my best friend and through her Uncle was given to her husband. To this day, she and her husband, although no longer as integral to our lives are still referred to in nostalgia binges as Auntie and Uncle.

I make a point of asking people how they would like my kids to address them. The response has often been just call me *firstname* but now and again a thankful Oh, Mrs so&So will be okay if they're comfortable with that. And despite their teenage years' mantra of 'let's see just how hard we can make that vein in mom's forehead pop out' they usually were respectful.

I always balked however, when someone suggested "Oh, they can just call me auntie " No, that's not an option sorry. Auntie is an accorded honour in our family, awarded to a certain level of relationship. I didn't really realize just how strongly I felt about this until a ...lady? ... who was not to my liking stepped into a friend's relationship and became their *roommate* for a time. She was to watch my kids one day and they were unsure of how to address her. On the phone she mentioned "They can call me Auntie so and so" I nearly bit her head off with an abruptly snapped "No! I seriously don't think so." Thankfully she was the epitomy of blonde bimboness and was totally oblivous to my response. :) she weren't a blondie just for looks y'know. :)

It's in the conference of authority for me. In the comments of SK's post someone mentioned Southern manners. I will always refer to a woman older than I or that I am serving or providing a serving to as Ma'am (or a man older than me as Sir or Mr.) and be quite confused when they get pissy about it. Ladies, it's good enough for the Queen of freaking England quit getting yer knickers in a knot.

When I was a kid, it was the height of my contempt to not address my mom's brother as Uncle so&so. He was and is beneath my contempt and totally undeserving to my 8 yo mind of such a lofty title. This ideal of mine carried on through school when I dared to address a teacher by her first name. *daring do for a kid of my generation*

Now I tend to be a bit offhand with folks, shortening names and using the ubiquitous 'hon' (comes of hanging out with all those 'murricans' as SK would denote them. :P

Where do titles fit in your life?

Excuse me? Blessed? I'll say...

Click, read, click again, read s'more. My very nearly daily evening activity of blog reading, occasional commenting, reading some of the funny bits aloud to my not so very interested other was interrupted today by this random click on someone's blogroll. It led me to here.

First let me say how terrible this whole situation is. How glad I am that this family escaped this experience without loss of life or limb. Truly, they are blessed.

Second...what the hell was this woman thinking? Pictures? keepsakes? momentos? The pets I can understand. I guess I can even understand going back in a time or two...but there comes a point...

THEN she got scared? Then? How does she think her family felt watching her running back in time and time again for this picture or that. Great that some of the neighbours took it upon themselves to grab stuff and run. Great. How would this story have turned out if just one of them had tripped.

Not only were lives risked unnecessarily but repeatedly.

:(

RRRAaaacccceee OVER

I've been chuckling about this all evening long. The titles alone that have wandered through my brain whilst contemplating this post have kept me amused for hours.

Today after work my brief holiday from kidlets ended. I dropped the guy off in Okotoks to work on a car and went on into the city to pick up the littles. They've been staying with #2 daughter since Thursday evening. She's now rethinking the whole 'it's time for me to have a baby' thought pattern but that's another blog.

As I wander my way past a shitload of backed up traffic held up by not one but two multi car mishaps I count myself lucky that I only have *visit* the city occasionally nowadays, rather than driving there every day or weekend as was my life a few years back.

As I travel I glance in my rear view mirror and see a car approaching at what might e considered an alarming rate of speed. It lurches as it brakes and then edges even closer to my back bumper. Now since I've been rearended a time or two, and have rather less tolerance for stupidity than most I was immediately annoyed. I refused to up my speed as he obviously wanted me to do and held steady at (gasp) the speed limit as posted. A few more intimidation attempts on his part had me getting past annoyed well on my way towards cranky. I touched my brakes enough to warn him off and then when he encroached again I shook my fist in my rear view mirror. I didn't flip him off, just a quick shake of my hand and head. Well you'd think I'd ripped off his shiney silver mirror or something. He swerved and pushed his way into the other lane and paced me, dropping gears and revving for about 1 klik or so and then when we came to a halt at a red, proceeded to tell me off in a voice loud enough to be heard over the ridiculous bass pouring out of the ass end of his shiney, slick silver something or other, but it's got a spoiler car. I spared him a glance and rolled my eyes. Then he did it, he pushed me past the point of cranky. He insulted my car.

Them's fighting words. I really didn't give a shit that he called me a fat old bitch. Hell, somedays I'm even proud of being just that. But when he asked what a fat old bitch like me was doing driving a rustbucket of a sportscar like that I saw red. Well, green actually. I turned to him and snarled "smokin' your scrawny ass" and revved my engine working my gearshift through its paces. The light turned and my sanity returned and I didn't jump. He did however...

You know that bit in the movies where the smart ass young punk gets his after tormenting the hero at the light? Well... silvershiney crumples damn good when it smacks into the ass end of a caddy. And you know, that really big black guy getting out of the caddy...he didn't look all that happy camper. Funny how my little buddy didn't even wave back to me as I drove past, and we were having such a good conversation too.

holding pattern

This movie has in it one of my all time favorite movie quotes. (not to mention one of my favourite all time movie actors but that's another blog post). However, it's one of my favourites, not the people who collect quotes and post them, so I'll have to paraphrase. Mel's character's girlfriend has been knocked down and is in a coma. He's drunk, despairing of her awakening and considering cryogenics (hey I didn't write it ;0) At any rate, he says to his friend about her, (warning bad paraphrase coming) "nothing was ever real till she knew..." I love that quote. That's how it used to be for me with my other half. Nothing was real to me till I got to tell him about it.

Today I got a parttime job at a new bank. Today I had no one to tell. No one to make it real for me.

I told him later, when he got home but it wasn't the same as it should have been. I told a couple of friends and they were of course, pleased for me, still not the same.

I don't really know when it changed or why it had to or whether it can change back or not.

I know I'm not blameless. I know that he isn't either. People fuck up. Make stupid decisions and forget to do things for one another when it's really important that they do. No one in this world is perfect. Well except for this one person I have this sneaking suspicion about but no one else is.

I guess I'll need a new favourite quote. This one doesn't feel the same anymore.

=reasonablefemale

Well I like it ;)

Recently I've *moved on up to the current decade* as my daughter tells me and acquired a cellphone, with a *cool* service provider nonetheless. Yep that's me, cutting edge. *GIGGLE*.

Anyways, one of the links on their website led me here MyTego and ultimately to this.


Now perhaps I'm overly excited by this, and easily amused :) but I think this is great. I like my cell, and particularly enjoy being able to text off it during class time (shhh) as it keeps me amused although I hope I don't get like that Sean character off Survivor that was using a rock as an imaginary Blackberry *MEEP*.

If you get any imaginary messages from me, don't answer, 'kay?

In the blink of an eye

I'm sitting here half dressed, coffee slowly percolating through my sleepy brain, waiting on the dryer that I forgot to turn on last night, and thought I'd enter the snide post I wrote yesterday at school, while I was supposed to be studying Desktop Publisher 2003.

I got it about half typed out, then got distracted watching #4 play with Dexter and Huggie (papillon and pug, 7 and nearly 10). She's teasing them to join her on the couch and when Dex, his tail creating a breeze that I can feel from the next chair, jumps in her lap she laughs and shoves him off as his main purpose for getting into your lap is to smother your face with kisses. Poor old Huggie is getting a little slower, and his snorts and grunts are getting sometimes alarmingly loud. He's trying to climb up on the couch and after a few attempts, finally gets the afghan in a pile on the floor to use as a ramp. Now she's having to fend off two flying tongues and two solid bodies clambouring all over her. Her laughter rings out and fills the room, punctuated with the sounds of pug grunts and tapping nails when they skitter onto the foyer floor.

Somehow I don't feel all that snide anymore. I think that I'll just sit here and watch her play, sip my coffee and contemplate my day.

Enough time to be snide later on.

Sage Advice, maybe...

So, my horoscope for May 3rd, 2006 says:
Limits only exist where you think they exist. It's time to ask yourself the payoff for staying stuck in a certain situation. Then think about what frightens you about being able to live your dreams. Go from there.

Well now, isn't that interesting. Of course it's rather general, somewhat like a fortune cookie. I don't necessarily plan my day around my horoscope...in fact I find I often don't read them until a few days later. It is strange though how sometimes it seems just so right on the money.

There are changes in my life approaching, but you know what, there usually are changes just around the corner for folks, aren't there? Do I feel stuck in a situation, yes, a little bit, but I'm willing to bet that most folks do at some point of their week. Everytime the copier jams yet again at work, or the phones are acting up... or maybe the boss has a crappy day and reminds you of the old adage about shit rolling down hill, don't you feel stuck at times likes that? Don't you want to look around the corner and see the changes approaching? And don't those changes give you a little...thrill? A tightening in your stomach, a bit of regret for the good things that might change, anticipation of the new, dread of the new, grief for the old...all these emotions whirl through one at a time of change.

I guess we'll see... if this horoscope like any other that's given me pause, comes true or not.

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Truth or what ever passes for it these days

Things I've learned in my life...

eventually...

Some people are who they are. They won't ever change, they won't ever care and they won't ever be who we think they should be, would be if they could be or anything but what and how and who they are.

As a corrollorary to that...learn to love them as they are, or leave them as they are. Anything else is a waste of energy on your part; and an insult to the other person.

It's taken me a good long while, but I think I've finally figured out that there's a point where all that's left to do is to make an exit.

We are, none of us, as interesting as we think we are. Nor, are we as non interesting as others think we are. Nor for that matter, are we ever as non interesting to everyone as we are to ourselves. (yeah..okay, still working on that one).

No one will ever do it for us. Whatever it is. We have to find our own mountains, climb them ourselves and write our own memoirs.

Life is too serious to take lightly and too short to take seriously.

Further to the whole Feet of Clay Deal...

Once your hero has crashed andsmashed before you, and you're dealing with the sadness of realization; it behooves one to realize also that not only are your impressions of this person inaccurate and dashed to pieces, but so might be their own impression of themselves. This is the second step in the learning process that having and worshiping heroes teaches us.

Some people, you see, believe their own press releases. It becomes important to them to BE that person that you and others believed them to be. They have fooled themselves into seeing only the hero and not the real person behind the smoke and mirrors. Oh sure, they know they have been behaving in a manner that could be construed as non hero like behaviour; they are well aware that they actions, words, intent, demeanour are at odds with that fine statue others have been worshiping and looking to for guidance, approval and acceptance. They believe they've hidden these anomalies well enough to fool others and thereby themselves. Like the magician agog at the way he makes the doves appear and disappear, they have been onstage in the performance of their lives and now...sadly the curtain has come down. But not before they've stumbled and fallen, crashing scenery and facades down around their ears leaving members of their audience in stunned silence.

Cut them some slack, even in the midst of your own grieving process. Realize that they too have a life lesson to learn here. We can't be all things to all people. We certainly can be the world to someone but not to everyone. We can't always be what someone else wants or even needs us to be; we have to be ourselves. Warts 'n' all, selfishness allowed, true to ourselves people. Not every person can be a Mother Teresa or a John Wayne. Not every person has the wherewithal to be ALL THAT THEY CAN BE (to borrow a catchphrase), some people struggle just to be someone they can like; someone they can look in the mirror at and not wince away from their own gaze.

Turn your eye as they pick up the pieces of themselves. Give them the privacy to rebuild the statue if they so choose. Now you know that the feet are of clay, you won't lean so hard against it the next time, or maybe not ever again. Let that be your lesson and let them have theirs. That's not always easy, or fun but it is the right thing to do. Sometimes doing the -right- thing is all anyone can do; but don't ever forget, what's right for some may not be right for all and everyone's moccasins walk differently. Just because you know a statue has fallen before, that doesn't give you the right to poke fingers at it and tell everyone and sundry of the clay laden feet. Let others learn their own lessons.

Feet of Clay

Do you remember having a hero? Watching that special person, be it a sports figure, or a family member, admiring them, wanting to be them, knowing that all was right in the world because that person was there?

Do you remember the day it all came crashing down? The day the feet of clay on the golden statue were revealed? Some statues just start to lean a little; others fall to the ground in a thunderous crash. The result is the same. Ideals are crushed; people’s hopes, dreams and trust are smashed to small little pieces. Mostly they can be rebuilt, patched back together good as new. Good as new, except for that one tiny little chip that you can never find no matter how you scour the ground where the statue fell.

It’s an important experience to watch your heroes shrink to normal size. It’s traumatic and steals your breath but it’s necessary. It’s best if it happens naturally, the day your mother becomes a grandma, the day your dad claps you on the shoulder and congratulates you on your win, your accomplishment, your best day ever. Sometimes it happens harsher than that. Sometimes the façade is torn away in one fell sweep that leaves bare your hero, broken and shattered, lying scattered at your feet.

Yet it’s still a good thing. It prepares you for the disappointments in life. The day you realize your best friend is a petty do-gooder who’s secretly judged you AND found you wanting all your friendship. The day you look into your childhood sweetheart’s eyes and realize that childhood is over and this grown boy before you doesn’t really love you the way you thought you loved him. The day your child tells you to leave her alone, that you aren’t really the mother she wanted all her life. It prepares you for these days. It doesn’t insulate you from them but you’re not as shocked as you might have been had you not seen the feet of clay before.

It prepares you for another type of shock. Sometimes through no fault of their own people become idols to others. Sports figures deal with this but so do bosses, friends and coworkers. There’s a pressure to being a hero. An honorable person can’t go around being selfish and petty and having shitty days. An honorable person can’t have wants and needs of his own. They can’t be who they want, they have a unwanted obligation to others to be the hero. So they sneak off. They create places, ideals and alter egos of their own to feel normal, to feel not beholden to be a certain way around others. It’s why people slum. It’s why they hang out with people you’d not expect them to. It’s why men cheat on their wives and why wives do also. It’s a difficult thing to just let someone be who they are.

Is it any wonder they have feet of clay? No. Does it hurt to find out that someone you idolize and envision as a hero does. Yes. Very much.

Stolen advice but valid

I recieved this as an email today. Ever hear something that rang so loudly with the truth you couldn't shake it? This did that for me.

Merry Christmas Everyone.


Let it go for 2006 ..

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.

And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,

then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........

LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2006 !!!


LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then ..

LET IT GO!!!

Chronicles of Narnia

Forget Simba... Aslan RULES!

Together with my 9 yo, 4 yo and my son's 20 yo girlfriend I took in Chronicles of Narnia today.

Took it in... that's about what I did. I haven't inhaled a movie like this in a while.

It took me a few minutes to orient on the story, as I'm more familiar with The Magician's Nephew than The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. We have listened to the books on tape version so I do know the story, although unlike another (soon enough to be) 7 book series I don't know it *cold*.

I was pleased that the sound level wasn't overwhelming. I guess I'm really getting old, and dislike to be bombarded by sound. The bombing is quite startling enough without it blasting you with a wall of sound. With the train scene, I took a moment to whisper to the 9 yo about how the children were being sent to the country for safety. After that about all we exchanged were mostly looks of delight and one very dismayed crumpling face (from her) at *THAT* point, however a bit of judiciously applied motherly assurance, (Don't worry, he's in the other books) which was met with incredulity, (That's IMPOSSIBLE) took care of that part. Although more than one tear was shed by each of us then.

Over all a great film, one most definitely to be purchased and rewatched at length. We'll await the DVD with anticipation and unbridled impatience if I know my kids.

And Aslan? He's EVERYTHING one could ask for in a CGI lion *GRIN*. I particularly loved the way his mane was done. The cheetahs are great too. Not to mention the unicorn, Phillip, Tomas and the beavers... ah yes... the beavers. Oh and can't forget the fox, nor the wolves either. All yummy. All anyone who believes in anthropromorphism could desire in an animal or twelve. However, the siberian white tigers were on the wrong side, *harumph*.

It's that time of the year...

Whilst out running errands today I found myself at the local Esso, needing air in an annoying tire and since I was there (and in need of some legitimate daydreaming time) decided to pop in and pick up some lottery tickets.

As I entered the store my eye fell upon an older couple. I’d noticed them walking ahead of me but when the gentleman turned to face me and smile, I took note of his royal blue blazer. On his left chest were a number of beribboned medals. I wish I could tell you what each one stood for but 1. Sadly, I don’t know. (I’m working on rectifying that) and 2. I didn’t get that good a look as I was more interested in studying his face as we chatted. I smiled and said, oh yes, it’s that time of year isn’t it? He nodded and agreed that summer had passed us by as its usual speed of light appearance and disappearance.

Ordinary waiting in line conversation for Canadians; chatting about the weather. As we spoke the people in front of us concluded their business and they gestured me forward. I said oh no, you’re ahead of me (more Canadian line etiquette in action :P). Besides I added, I’m only buying lottery tickets, your business is more important than mine. Pshaw, he says, I’m not important. I have to tell you, my eyes filled with tears and I stroked his arm. You’re awfully important to me, I replied and gave his arm a squeeze. I did go ahead then, as it was getting awfully cloying in there, GRIN.

As I sat in my car afterwards I was a little ashamed of myself. I really wanted to go back in and give this man a hug and thank him properly. I’ll go by later today and buy a poppy to wear. I think that maybe this weekend I’ll pop in to the legion and have a few beers, throw a game of darts or two and talk with some of the veterans there. Maybe I’ll get my chance to thank one or two of them too.

Go buy your poppy today, teach your children why you wear one and you know what, when November 11^th passes by, leave the poppy on your coat or hat or visor and remember when you see it. This isn’t a once a year thing. And if you get to hug a veteran on a regular basis, give them one for me, will ya?

http://www.legion.ca/asp/docs/rempoppy/allabout_e.asp#poppy

“I am Woman, hear me roar…” …or whine…

There is an awful lot of worship of the girly girl going on around me these days. I’m starting to look at the grass over there and think that a few mouthfuls might just be a tasty treat.

Alright, now that I’ve compared myself to a cow O.o Let’s get on with this.

I used to thrive on being the self-sufficient type. I liked being the one who killed the spider, shooed the mouse outside, changed my own flat tires, put up my own drywall, taped and mudded it and then sanded, painted and finished the room. I’ve cleaned horse stalls for a living, working on the race track and being the only one on the crew who could handle the studs I had 7 studs and one cantankerous old mare on my string. As well as receiving the respect of all the other grooms for it. It was good being that person. Mostly it is good being that person. I remember enjoying being that person…

Sensing a change in the air that doesn’t feel like fall?

Ahem.

I really did enjoy being that person at one time. However, when I look at my rough worn hands, feel the crick in my back and can’t escape the smell of paint cleaner that hangs about me, I’m starting to think that maybe this isn’t what I signed on for. Strangely enough I don’t mind the smell of the horse manure.

I detest girly girls. I don’t want to be a girly girl…but sometimes… the grass looks pretty darned green over there…

I’m thinking it might be nice to be the delicate beauty that all the guys (and gals) flock to when she sighs. It definitely would be cool to not be the one crawling in under the sink with the hammer to try to flatten er chase the mouse. Fainting at the sight of a spider would be okay, so long as no one expected me to climb up on the chair and squish it into a tissue. Of course, under the condition that the Fabio clone, Marlboro Man version caught me gently in his arms instead of hitting the floor. Clunk!

I know that at least a couple of friends of mine will roll their eyes and mutter about whining if they were to read this, but you know what? TOUGH frozen titties.

I’m sick of being expected to do all the tough chick shit and the obviously not so tough chicks sit around and collect all the baubles and accolades and attenion. Next time you look at a tough chick, take a good look at her hands, and her hair.

Check out that manicure…guess what guys, that costs anywhere from $35 to $50 a month to maintain. Oh, don’t forget the hair? That will cost an easy $80-120 every six weeks not counting the dye job. There’s likely a pedicure in there every few months, too. But since I’ve never had one in my life I have no idea how much they are.

Low maintenance my ass :P. $200 plus every 8 weeks, hah.

Bitter? Yes, just a touch.

Why so cranky, you ask? This isn’t something new, or sudden in my life. Most of the time I’m quite content to leave things the way they are. Or it’s possible that it’s just less hassle than trying to change it.

This is like being the nice guy, and always being the friend instead of the hero who gets the girl. It’s one of life’s little imbalances that everyone says will even out in the end, but it never really does. The nice guys and real girls end up with the short end as often as not, regardless of how well their lives turn out and how many of God’s unanswered prayers there are.

Because at the end of the day, they still see themselves as inadequate rather than recognizing the inadequacy of the girl that goes for the hot bod and snazzy car and that little touch of danger that she’s sure she’ll be able to tame out of him. Or the missing part of the guy with the snazzy car and hot bod who thinks that fake nails are just an affectation and not really what she’s like and she’ll really want to pull wrenches with him on every Saturday evening instead of being taken out to the newest club.

These imbalances exist.

There’s always someone at the office who buys all the birthday cards and often no one remembers their birthday. Hello, people, why the hell do you think this person goes to all that trouble? Because they know what it’s like to not have the one special day that’s only theirs acknowledged.

There’s the one person in the family who everyone tells their troubles to, and no one bothers to ask about theirs, because they must be okay if they have time to listen to whines and moans from everyone else.

So the next time you forget someone’s birthday, phone your mother to whine about your boyfriend or drool over some hot chick on the street, think a minute, are you a nice guy or a tough chick that’s getting the wrong end of the shaft or are you the one handing out the shaft.

My own special talent

So to those of you who know me this won’t come as a huge surprise. More like another piece of evidence of the aura that surrounds me.

Things break around me. I don’t mean I walk down the street and buildings crumble in my wake (looks over her shoulder...) but things have a habit of going wrong or breaking when no breaking is expected, anticipated or usual, when around me.

Case in point, years ago I had a Chevy Cavalier. We were rear ended and when we took the car for an insurance assessment at the shop, I noticed the one mechanic/adjuster looking under my car and appearing puzzled. I went over just as two others joined him, all looking under the car and then nodding to each other and appearing puzzled.

“What’s up?” I asked.
“How’d this happen?” one fellow asked me.
“We were rear ended.” I replied.
“By what?” asked another.
“mmm, Grand Am I think,” said I.
“Huh, I would have said a gravel truck.” He laughed and I stared.

“You see, miss (grins, I was younger then) that part,” I looked and sure enough, there it was, some little brackety piece hanging down from the underside of my car, obviously broken. “That part never breaks.”

This is a true story, I kid you not.

Some dear friends online were quite disbelieving of my ability to break stuff without even trying. However after a couple of them helped with installations of various OSs and other apps and found annoying little mishaps happening when no such incident has happened before, to them, to anyone…ever. They changed their minds.

We went from this is so easy, it’ll take us about an hour. To, well let’s see I can probably help you on Saturday I’ve got a few hours free then. To, want me to just do this for you? What’s your password? To forget it, I’ve still got the access I set up to fix this for you and I’ll do it myself.

Some might think that tells you that I’m simply an idiot. The perpetual loose nut behind the keyboard. I’m not. I can do these things and do, do them. However if there’s a little niggly thing that can screw things up I appear to have a multi-leveled talent for finding it.

We won't even get into the whole 'get this car, it's the best car and you'll never break it' thing. :P

Which brings me to this.

And the flipside of things.

Go figure huh? That’s after 5 days too. The kicker? I did this sitting down. Well, sitting on a horse. And not the obvious way of falling off the horse, I did this sitting in the saddle. I did eventually fall off, but my ankle was already done in well before I hit the ground.

Here's how this little fun house event happened. The horse I was ponying had an issue with being led (suddenly and out of the blue) and popped up (bucked). Since I’ve walked home a time or two, I’ve learned to never let go of the reins. This was enforced as a habit when I worked as a studgroom on the track. The last thing anyone wants to deal with (other than a whiny owner who can’t understand why his horse isn’t winning) is a loose stud, so you just never let go. Guess what? I never let go of the lead line, so when he popped he also tried to climb the horse I was riding. My horse is pretty cool but when another horse tries to get into the saddle, most horses have issues. So he shied away from the popping horse. Strangely enough, the lead line is still stupidly clutched tightly in my hand. By now I’m stretched between one horse who simply wants to get away and another who’s having a pretty cranky attitude attack. Something had to give. For most people it’d be a shoulder, but I’d gotten yanked off center when he lurched away in a buck and my foot got twisted in the stirrup. See that dark bruise, that’s the part that stretched. I really don’t think that your foot is supposed to bend that way. In fact, once I climbed out of the patch of thistles, (why is it always thistles? Or manure?) and up on my feet I was pretty damned sure that your foot isn’t supposed to bend that way.

My horse hadn't gone too far so with some assistance from hubby and a low spot I was back up in a few minutes. I was very pleased to see that my fear that I've spent the last 4 years conquering hadn't cropped back up and it felt good to get back in the saddle. I rode back up to the barn, caught hold of the idiot stick horse that had caused all the uproar and led him back too. Alls well that ends well after all.

And the next time someone tells you the best way to get over something is to get back on the horse, listen. This is the voice of experience telling you so.